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I need advice on my book introduction?

Hi I was wondering if you could give me advice or your opinion on my book introduction so here it is: Some people think the worst thing in the world is death. If I had the chance I would welcome death. I am a magician; my family have been magicians for generations and I inherited it, you unlock your magic at the age of sixteen, it was my birthday a week ago. We fight a number or monsters that are sent by powerful demons who want to make humans suffer. It is a magician’s job to protect the Earth from these kinds of threats. Many people have heard the story of The Minotaur if you haven’t I will go through it for you: Centuries ago King Minos was in an argument with his brothers about who should take the throne from their dead father, King Minos prayed to the Poseidon to send him a white bull as a sign of approval to him being King. As you can probably guess the white bull was presented and King Minos was meant to sacrifice the bull. The bull was so beautiful that Minos decided to swap it with a normal bull from his herd. King Minos couldn’t fool Poseidon and when he tried Poseidon wasn’t happy. As a punishment Poseidon made King Minos’ wife (Pasiphea) fall madly in love with the bull. The offspring of Pasiphea and the bull was The Minotaur, a bull’s head on a human’s body. King Minos went to the oracle for advice when the beast started to get angry. Following the oracles advice Minos had a Labyrinth built to hold the Minotaur. The monster was put in the centre of the maze. The Athenians killed Androgeus (king Minos’ son) after winning a competition. King Minos was so upset and angry he kept attacking Athens, eventually the king and the Athenians made a deal. Every year seven Athenian youths and seven beautiful maidens would be sent to the Labyrinth as a sacrifice for the Minotaur. Theseus, an Athenian warrior, went as a sacrifice to kill the beast. He managed to kill the beast with help from King Minos’ daughter, he soon returned and was a hero in Athens. But what most people don’t know is what happened after the story. Acrilise, a very powerful Demon Lord found the remains of the Minotaur, Acrilise brought back not one but fifteen Minotaurs and set them free on Labyrinth. He tracked down Theseus and gave him one thousand years of torture in hell. He put the rest of the residents of Athens in Labyrinth for the Minotaurs. He also killed King Minos for putting the Minotaur in the labyrinth. As magicians it was our duty to kill the Minotaurs, I can’t join in with any thing like that until I’ve mastered my magic. To be honest I don’t even want to join in. I’d be much happier to stay at home, go to school and only have to worry about getting in trouble at school. They killed the Minotaurs with great ease. We knew that wouldn’t be the end of it, Acrilise made thirty Minotaurs this time but blessed them and Labyrinth with great magic. Nobody dares to attack the Minotaurs without the help of an extremely powerful magician. Nobody knows how much power Acrilise gave the Minotaurs. Only the most powerful magicians would have seen Acrilise, nobody has ever recorded it but people have rough descriptions of him. I couldn’t care less about them because the way I see it I will be with my brothers who would never let me face Acrilise. I’ve never been the bravest of my family, I can be brave if I need to but that’s only when I have no other choice. © ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (sorry it's quite long) so please give advice and opinion. © Copyright 2007

Public Comments

1. Does that seriously have copyright? It sounds like something a fourth grader wrote.
2. To girl who said "Is that seriously copyright, it sounds like something a 4th grader would write." How many fourth graders do YOU know that could write like that? Personally, I know none who can write like that, and I know a good amount of fourth graders from tutoring. I think it's actually pretty good. It seems like it would be a good series of books. Just remember not to have too many names and so much happen in like the first chapter, it's overwhelming for a lot of people. Try to space it out. If it's necessary for this information to be in the first chapter, try to make it easier for people to understand. All in all, it's a nice start! Keep writing :)!
3. thats a very intresting story you have there, it sucks you right in during the first pharagraph. But it gets a bit confusing on the greek legend part...i would make that part just a tiny bit more easier to understand and follow, people are abit simple these days like myself lol but apart from that you've done a wonderfull job! You should be very proud :) im looking forward to see how it turns out :) good luck!
4. I feel like you rushed it. Go into detail a little more, and don't try to explain things in parentheses. This story should have taken up a few pages, what with so much information. Also, you have a lot of run-on sentences. You ought to be more careful with your grammar. "I can be brave if I need to but that's only when I have no other choice." This is an example of where you need a comma, but, more importantly, it's not a very good description. I feel like this sentence is something that might have been in the author's characterization notes, not the actual story. SHOW the readers who he is instead of just telling them. I feel like the first paragraph doesn't quite flow with the others. One minute you're talking about how your character wishes (s)he were dead, and the next (s)he's giving us a history of minotaurs. Make sure you know where your story is going, and that you take the time to explain everything. Your first line is great. I think it hooks the reader, and without it I would not have been as interested in your story. It's an interesting idea, and I think that your story could be very good. Keep working on it!