Heritage Album

Trying to research my genealogy. Need proper etiquette for contacting certain relatives?

I'm looking to trace my family tree, but have never met a lot of my family, and the ones I have met, I've basically cut ties with, over something I do not wish to go into online. Right now, I'm as far as my cousins (met all 3) and located 2 of them on Myspace. I want information from them, but do not want any sort of relationship with them. Yeah, that might make me sound like a bad person, but trust me, I have my reasons for doing so. The information I want to know would be, if they had any kids, and if so the names of the kids, along with who fathered the kids. I am also in need of their fathers real name. I have met my "Uncle Stan" as a kid, (their father) but their parents have since divorced and I have no clue what Stan's real name was, but I do know Stan was not it. How do I go about contacting my cousins, without looking like a stalker of some sort? Is it proper to explain that I do not wish to have them be a part of my life after I get my wanted information? I could possibly handle an online only relationship, as long as they are not too clingy, but with them only 30 minutes away, I'm worried they might want more than that. I also do not wish to cause waves in this side of the family by explaining why I cut ties, since it has to do with me being abused as a child. Should I lie if they ask why I cut ties with my family? Do I "out" the relative that abused me? I also don't want my own psychological health to be harmed by this contact, but I really want to discover my roots, so to speak.

Public Comments

1. I think you can ask for genealogical info without them thinking you want to have a relationship. I would highly recommend you NOT tell them that you don't want a relationship when asking for info. You can handle any overtures when and if they show up at your door or when they actually ask about getting together.
2. I would make first contact by letter, explain who you are and what you are doing, Include a stamped self addressed envelope or a International reply coupon for over seas mail. hope this helps Good Luck
3. The best way to get something you want is to offer something in return. That "something" doesn't have to be a personal relationship; you could simply offer to send them a copy of the family tree you're compiling, once you've got it together. Maybe you could send them a message on Myspace saying something like, "Hey, I'm putting together a family tree and would love to include your family. Would you mind sharing some information about your parents and children? Once I get it all together, I'll send you a copy of the tree if you're interested." After you get the information from them, you don't have to keep in contact with them; although you should follow through and send them a copy as you promised. I'd avoid bringing up any uncomfortable topics with them. If anyone asks about it, you could just say that it's something you'd prefer to keep in the past.
4. Why are you in need of that information in the first place? Your "genealogy" is the line of ancestors that created you. Your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. Various cousins form each generations are nice to know about for family reunions and having relationships but not essential to a family tree. If you don't want to have a "relationship", they have no information about your common ancestors that you need, nor would you be having or participating in family reunions with them, then leave them alone. Their personal information, especially minor children's is none of your business and are not "your roots". Again your parents, grandparents etc are "your roots".
5. You can research your roots without any involvement with a cousin, unless they have answers that you cannot get from other sources. In other words, if dad was an only child, you would only be needing to id his parents. Info on siblings (and their children) is not a requirement at all. I agree with the poster who explains that you are not DESCENDED from that person, you are related, which is a different topic. It also seems a bit harsh, which is not meant.. but asking for personal info on living people.. then refusing further involvement, isn't what you want to be doing. Your reasoning is understood.. but still, see that from their end. Kind of a basic thing about genealogy... info about dead persons, who are a direct ancestor to you, is something you have rights to. The same does not apply to any living persons, just as if THEY contacted you and asked for info about your children, that you preferred to not share.
6. Well if your not willing to go on the internet than travel to Utah and go to ancestry.com buisness place. My dad works there. He is the director of his work. He can help.