Heritage Album

Whats wrong with me? Is i dont care what it is, i just wanna know?

I have searched for different personality disorders to see if there was something wrong there... but i seem to have bits of everything in me... main two though are narcissism anti-social At the moment i dont care about anybody, i dont love anybody and i never have, not family and/or friends, when they die it either bothers me because they were useful or it doesnt bother me at all. I have almost a certainty that i will achieve greatness, i can almost feel it then when i step up and get critisized i can get aggressive or lose all motivation... although that motivation soon comes back when im on my pedestal again.... i feel very little empathy or no empathy at all. I want to be the centre of attention its my main desire and im annoyed when im not, but then when its handed to me i get so nervous and hate the attention and end up hiding away until 10 mins later where i crave the attention again, i love being by myself as long as i have the option to be with many people i use people all the time, i love hearing how concerned they are about me, i guess it gives me in a sense of power knowing that they will do whatever to aid me, but i have no problem helping others, its just usually i am seeking benefits for doing so i then have weeks or days of where i am severly depressed, suicidal because i hate who i am and what ive done, or when i realise that im just an evil human, nothing great, just ordinary and stupid... this causes me to drink a lot even when im not completely depressed it lingers in the back of my mind i then have severe anger issues, i just lose control, things get broken, and hurt.... i have visions of killing or paralysing people who look down on me or i am jealous of, or even of killing family just so i can live with the guilt, i know i wouldnt do it, but then sometimes i wonder what if and it scares me... i lie ALL the time (i know, hard to believe what im sayibg now haha but this is the most honest ive been in....EVER)... i lie about things that nobody cares about aswell and i dont even realise i do it untill i have done it i have two warnings for theft another illegal activity and i get a criminal record, i have vandalised, dealt drugs (stopped now though, drug dealing that is, i was doing it about a year ago) the only reason i have a problem with all this is that it will damage any hopes of a successful future, which i must attain before im forty cause i will just kill myself if have to be a normal person for any longer then that Oh and as for childhood... up until i was 6 i was a jehovahs witness and my parents were together, during that time my uncles used get a kick out of pissing me off and hurting me, and showing me porn and horror movies.... funny thing is, is i loved there company when my parents divorced, my dad disappeared for 2-3 years and i lived with my mom, who had drinking and anger problems (her parents died recently of alcoholism) she loves me so much but as done so many bad things to me... when i was 9-10 i moved back with my dad and the only times i saw my mom she would be in tears over her shitty life, my dad moved in with a woman and her family which i hated and she hated me i have been stuck here ever since, my dad adores me but is all logic and my mom is all emotion... i dont see my mom often now, and i pretty much live by myself, my dad sleeps here every second day, up until 8-9 we used fear my grandparents and when i was with my uncles i would have to hide from the grandparents

Public Comments

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2. Try to be more aware of what you are doing. Do not kill yourself, it won't do anyone any good. You should read stories from givesmehope.com There are ones like these: "Just today, I found out the real reason of my parents' death when I was 10. When our car lost its brakes and was going to crash into another, they tried to protect me to the last minute. Their bodies were found, covering me while I was unconscious. Their never ending love truly GMH. " Just remember that nobody is normal. But, EVERYONE is special in their own way.
3. I don't know if everyone has a bit of a mixed personality, because I contradict myself in so many ways and my lifes on a mixture of different lines and pathways. I think your probably very sane than most people on here, my friend...after all this could all be imaginery :)
4. Sounds like you're heads too big. I hate to break it to you bud, but almost everybody wants to be someone "great". Very few make it, but they deal with it. That's life it isn't supposed to be easy. Watch the new Rocky movie, he says "Life isn't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep going."
5. omg, i hope you are in a secure unit.
6. sounds like a case of the dickhead
7. may be you are a psychopath?
8. This is the tool The value of giving Putting something or some service into society is one of the most transforming tools with which we all benefit . The value of it is much higher than we can possibly know and it should be included as part of everyone’s health program. The giver may ask how will helping others help my health and me! That is a very good question, which is very worthy of a serious amount of thought. This touches on the concept which is called karma . For if one truly wants to live with the great allies of Health, wealth, happiness, Love and all those effects which one values one should really understand this concept. It is the only thing, which explains the apparent randomness of the effects, which come upon people. Effects are all aspects of health, Wealth, Richness, [note these two are separate] Happiness etc.What is karma? Put simply it is the law of cause and effect. Or put as another way as you sow so shall you reap, or what goes around comes around. What do we mean by sowing? Simply every action or deed you do causes an effect and every thought causes an effect. So if you have sown good deeds as in helping others, being of service, giving love and Kindness for lengthy periods of time you can expect to reap those seeds. Alternatively if we have sown other deeds and thoughts of a hurtful nature we can expect problems of one nature or another to beset us. Edgar Cayce frequently mentioned in treating disease that we were working against karma and frequently told people that they would get well faster by helping others. Ah you may say why is it that babies are sometimes born with so many impediments; they have not sown wrongful acts.Yes they have not in this lifetime but what about their previous lives as in reincarnation. You may not wish to go into this subject at this time but there are millions of references to it, some in the bible and a lot of eastern religions, some people can actually remember their past lives. There is now even past life regression therapy used in hypnosis to treat phobias, which are not connected with this lifetime. now listen to this next concept really carefully If we are unwell and by implication therefore suffering from past seeds sown it follows therefore one of the fastest ways to get well is to incorporate into your treatment plan service or giving to somebody as often as you can . Ask for opportunities to be of service .I have proved this concept on a daily basis and feel that this concept is so important in all types of healing and to achieve other effects like having friends ,enriching experiences, money and other effect which we all need. Just a few examples of how we can be of service –giving Sharing our being, our wealth, sending our thoughts, giving to charity, sharing a joke, uplifting someone, giving listening time, giving healing, giving labour, giving love, giving entertainment, giving food, giving information and a million more ways. . .Virtually every effect you can name . All is seen ,all is heard, all is felt. The wise among you will take the attitude of discovering the areas of service you have to make amends on before effects of ill health reach you whether it be cancer, Parkinson’s blindness or what have you. So I strongly advise that you engage in some kind of voluntary work and I believe that virtually everyone should be engaged in some kind of healing practice for others preferably on a daily basis. how to discover this?Well I suggest you pray to be shown or ask the universe to reveal it to you. reveal the areas which are most suited to serviceJust going along in your life and living for self and not bothering until problems come can be very painful. It is almost like asking for trouble to come ,.all our healing yours mine is linked right alongside our efforts and contribution to others.in direct proportion to the help we give others ie your healing comes with helping others acheive theirs so if people are doing very little in helping others ---they suffer more and longer...and if they are doing a lot they get well faster....so now you know what to do ,,and like a lot of us are already doing being of service. Do not even dream of healing to come to you if you are engaged in wrongful acts , wrongful words , wrongful thoughts. It seems god –law will not be mocked